


Scars upon her

by AliceParrilla18



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Philinda - Freeform, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, philindaisy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:15:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26802028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AliceParrilla18/pseuds/AliceParrilla18
Summary: "Melinda May was a machine. Designed, flawless, deadly and just perfect.Daisy never thought that a machine could become a target of its own."Or, Daisy really liked getting to know her mentor better until, while on drugs, May tells her one of the most hidden secrets about her personal life, and Daisy doesn't know what to think anymore.
Relationships: Melinda May & Skye | Daisy Johnson, Phil Coulson & Skye | Daisy Johnson, Phil Coulson/Melinda May
Comments: 12
Kudos: 86





	Scars upon her

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So, this is the first story after the finale (and I'm still not okay tbh). It's not linked to it though, because I wrote this one a long time ago, and have just realised I haven't posted it yet. It's weekend now and I don't have this much homework from school to do (suprisingly), so I guess it's a good time to finally do it.  
> Set somewhere in season 3 maybe, and it's not exactly canon, but screw canon lol. It's super sad, so you should propably get some tissues. I'm also not completly happy with how it turned out, but I do hope you'll understand what I had on mind and like it. English is not my main launguage, so I'm sorry for mistakes (please, remember that we're all human and that we write here for fun).  
> I'll be gratefull for every comment. Enjoy!
> 
> Title is from Bloodstream by Ed Sheeran.
> 
> WARNING : many mentions of suicide.

Daisy leaned out through the kitchen door to look around the room and smiled as she found the person she was looking for.

"May, you’re here. I've been looking for you all over the base. Coulson wants you to come to his office."

"Alright, I’ll be there in a minute," May replied without turning to Daisy. She was standing with her back to her by the refrigerator, and despite her reply, she didn't look like she was going to go anywhere any time soon.

Daisy tittled her head, curiously. "Hey, what are you doing there?" she asked, taking a step towards her. May tensed suddenly and with a wave of her hand let her dark hair fall down over her face. The girl frowned. "Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, everything’s good."

"So why are you hiding in that corner?" The brunette sighed softly as she realized that Daisy won’t give up. She turned slowly towards her, a little annoyed. She was holding a pack of ice in her hands, and when Daisy looked closely at her, she noticed that the left side of her jaw was a little swollen. "What happened to you?" she asked, stepping closer. "Did someone hit you during a training?"

"No, it’s not from a training," May said and sighed again. "I'm having a toothache for several days now, that's all."

Daisy’s eyes opened wide. "Several days? And you were planning on going on a tomorrow’s mission like that?"

"It’s just a tooth, Daisy, I’m not dying."

"Maybe you’re not, but tootache is one of the most unpleasant pains. Believe me, I know something about this. And I also know that the ice won’t help for long, you need to go to the dentist."

For a split second, something like fear flashed in May's eyes, but before Daisy could speak up, the feeling vanished as soon as it appeared, and May’s stone-like mask was back on her face. The girl opened her mouth, but another voice interrupted her.

"Oh, you found May," Coulson said as he entered the kitchen with an empty coffee mug. "Finally. We have to talk about the details of tomorrow’s mission." When neither of them spoke, he looked at May and, noticing her swollen jaw, frowned, mirroring the younger agent's concern. "What happened to your jaw?" he asked and May just rolled her eyes.

"Nothing, it’s fine."

"May’s tooth is aching and she’s been hiding it from us," Daisy spoke, knowing May would never admit voluntarily to anyone, especially to Coulson, that something was wrong. Daisy crossed her arms defensively as she felt the woman's gaze piercing right through her.

Coulson set the cup aside and rested his hand on May's shoulder. "Why didn’t you tell anyone about it? You must be in your best shape tomorrow."

"It’s really nothing, Phil. And I will be ready for tomorrow."

"May needs to go to the dentist," Daisy renewed the proposition, and May's eyes flashed again.

"No, we don’t have time for this. We need to prepare…"

"In this situation, it can wait," Phil cut her off. "I agree with Daisy, it doesn’t look well. You should get checked up by a specialist."

"No, I’m fine and I can handle myself," Melinda repeated taking a step back, but as if on purpose to contradict her words, a sharp pain crossed her jaw and she winced.

It was only then that it dawned on Daisy why May was defending herself against going to the dentist so badly.

She was scared. Undefeated and the best at everything Melinda May was scared of the dentist.

Daisy thought it was one of the weirdest and yet at the same time the sweetest things she had ever learned about the woman. In her eyes, these little ordinary things were making her S.O. look more human.

"I could go with you, if you want," the girl offered. May looked at her uncertainly.

"That’s a good idea," Coulson agreed. "The nearest dentist is nearly two hours away from the base, so you can take Lola to make it faster. I’ll start planning for myself while you’re gone, and when you come back I’ll use both of your help. It's early, we’ll manage to do everything. But for the mission to be successful, all agents involved in it must be strong and well rested, so a visit to the doctor is my order. You don't have to suffer because of such a trivial reason. Take care of yourself, Melinda."

May was silent for a moment, but Daisy could see how she was trying to hide her pain from them, how her hand holding the pack of ice was trembling, how she wanted to put it on the sore spot as soon as possible, and how she was calculating all the pros and cons in her head. She knew that with Daisy and Coulson pressing on her, she didn't have much of a choice. "Okay, I’ll go," she finally said, and unable to hold back any longer, pressed the ice pack to her jaw. The girl smiled to herself, seeing the relief on the woman's face.

"It’s gonne be alright," Coulson said, squeezing her arm one last time before walking away. "And if the doctor does something you don’t like, you can always kick their ass."

Melinda huffed, and then turned to Daisy. "Meet me in the garage in fifteen minutes."

"Got it."

"And keep your hands away from the keys. I’m driving."

*

It soon turned out that Daisy will have the opportunity to drive Lola after all. The doctor examined May and concluded that the tooth was only fit for extraction and, although Melinda was refusing as much as she could, she would need anesthesia, and she won’t be allowed to drive a car afterwards.

Daisy was happy about driving Lola, but also understood that her abilities on the road weren't why May didn't want anesthesia. She was a warrior, focused on defending her loved ones, and in order to protect, her mind had to be clear. She was afraid of losing control. Daisy wanted May to know that when she was there, she didn't have to worry about it. That she had someone by her side with whom she could allow herself to be vulnerable for a moment. May seemed to understand, because she finally agreed to anesthesia on the condition that Daisy stayed in the room with her.

When the doctor left for a moment to prepare the things needed for the procedure leaving the patient so that the anesthesia would fully spread through her body, Daisy decided that staying in the room was the best decision she made that day.

She had never wondered before why May had never been taking any stronger painkillers when she was badly injured after a mission or when she was just suffering from a migraine, but seeing her now that the anesthesia was slowly starting to work, she knew the answer. High May was nothing like the May Daisy knew and saw at the base every other day. This May was giggling, laughing aloud at the things she was mumbling to herself, and smiling so widely that Daisy was afraid she would stay that way forever. For a moment the girl thought about taking out her cell phone and recording even a few minutes of drugged May, for her own use only of course, but after a while she decided it would be too cruel. Besides, May would kill her with her bare hands if she only found out about it. Daisy much preferred a burst of laughter to an outburst of fury.

But that didn't mean that she wasn't going to take advantage of the situation a little, she must have something to tell stories about later, after all. She moved with her chair closer to the chair where the brunette was lying on and giggling her best, probably not even knowing what at, and she leaned over her to get her attention.

"How do you feel?" she asked. Melinda stopped laughing and looked at the girl with a smile.

"Better than ever," she replied and reached her finger out towards the younger agent. She wanted to touch her nose, but her hand trembled and instead it poked her cheek. "You’re such a cutie."

"Thanks." Daisy gently pulled her hand away from her face, not wanting to return to the base without an eye. "What are you thinking about?"

"About how cute and sweet everyone at the base are. Sweet as sugar."

"And who’s the cutest?"

"Hm," Melinda thought for a moment, then nodded her head as if in agreement with herself and leaned back in her chair. "Coulson, definitely."

Daisy smiled widely. She liked where this conversation was going. "He's quite a handsome guy, isn't he?"

"He is. Have you seen his muscles? Oh boy, they’re amazing."

"I can bet," Daisy said as she moved closer. She rested her elbows on the armrest, and put her head on her hands, looking with excitation at the woman who was unaware of the questioning being conducted by her protegee. "You seem to like him."

"I do. Very much."

"Have you told him about it?"

"No. He can’t know. It’s my secret." May raised her hand in a "shhh” gesture, but it trembled again and she almost stabbed herself in the eye. Daisy took her hands away from their faces again.

"Okay, okay. Your secret is safe with me, don’t you worry about that. Alright, change of the subject. What’s the weirdest thing that had ever happened to you?"

"Ugh. Too many."

"Think of one. I’ll tell you mine. I once went to the zoo with one of the foster families, and while I was feeding animals on the little farm, a donkey tried to eat my laces and then a whole shoe. I was screaming at the entire zoo and then I was scared of donkeys, both real and cartoon ones, all year until I returned to the orphanage, where I had to do a few sessions with the therapist. It still haunts me in my dreams sometimes."

May shook her head, chuckling. "Poor child. And poor donkey."

"Hey, it wanted to eat my foot."

"Sure."

"Okay, your turn now," Daisy reminded. "One of the weirdest things in your life. Tell me."

Melinda thought for a moment, and then started giggling again, as if just a mention of some strange situation was too funny for her to be able to say it out loud. She motioned for Daisy to come even closer to her. The girl did so, letting her curiosity take over her.

"I once tried to kill myself."

The woman's voice was soft, she started laughing again, but her words cut into the girl's heart like daggers, dropping on her a bucket of cold water.

She was expecting to hear of some embarrassing youth adventure that she’d might later harass her S.O. with for fun. That one sentence, though spoken in a light, high tone, left her speechless and with a head full of thoughts whirling through her mind with the speed of light.

She liked learning more about the woman she admired in every way possible, but what she had just heard was definitely not something she wanted to know.

Daisy was staring in disbelief at Melinda for a few moments, but before she could speak again, the doctor returned to the room and announced that everything was ready for tooth extraction. Daisy let her do her thing, not knowing how to behave around her S.O. now, after hearing something like that from her lips. She knew that if it hadn't been for the drugs, this would never have happened, and she felt guilty for having forced May to reveal to her such a delicate and probably well-hidden detail about her life. She shouldn’t known about it.

Thinking about it all, she got up from her seat by May's chair and stood against the wall, wanting to make room for the doctor. She wanted to just go home and forget all that conversation, bury it deep in her mind and never think about it again. But deep down inside she knew that she had crossed the line, and that there was no turning back.

*

When Daisy parked Lola back in the garage, Coulson was there waiting for them, leaning against the wall and watching them with a soft smile on his lips. He walked over to them as the girl unfastened her seat belt and opened the door to get out of the car.

"How it went?" he asked, nodding at May sleeping in the passenger seat. Her hair fell over her face, but the swelling was almost completely gone from her jaw.

Daisy cleared her throat, forcing a smile. "It went good. The dentist pulled out May's aching tooth. She’ll sleep for an hour or two more until the anesthesia wears off."

"That’s good, she can use some rest," Coulson said and opened the door at May's side to unfasten her seat belt. He carefully tucked her hair behind her ear, then grabbed her under her legs and arms to pull her out of Lola. "Let’s get you to your bunk. You’ll be much more comfortable in your own bed," he whispered in her ear, and Daisy's cheeks flushed slightly from witnessing one of the rare moments of intimacy between two people she considered family.

She followed Coulson, May in his arms, down the hall. She had always known her S.O. was rather a small creature, but now tucked safely in Phil's embrace, she looked more like a child than a martial arts master than ever. Daisy would have thought it was sweet, if it weren't for one sentence the woman said a few hours ago, that her mind was recreating over and over again, not leaving her alone.

When they got to May's room, Daisy tapped in the code and opened the door, and Phil laid the still asleep brunette on her bed. He covered her with a fluffy blanket and stood there for a moment just watching her, and then leaned over her as if to kiss her forehead. Instead, he pulled the blanket tighter over her shoulders and stroked her head with a gentle smile, as if he was actually putting to sleep a child instead of an agent.

"Let her get some sleep," the man said leaving the room and gently patted Daisy on the shoulder. "You should rest, too, gather strength for tomorrow." Daisy nodded, still staring at May and not moving. Coulson frowned, throwing a control glance at Melinda, and then looked back at the girl. "Is everything alright, Daisy?"

"Yeah, I just…" She sighed, trying to find the right words to describe what she felt. Because she didn't really know what she should be feeling. She looked up at Coulson. The worry was showing on his face. He knew something was wrong. There was no point in lying to him. "May told me something that just won’t leave me alone."

He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the door frame. "What’s that what she told you?" he asked.

"We talked a bit in the dentist’s office. She was high and I was curious, I was asking her about various things, maybe I was pressing a little too hard, but it's nothing important really, only some nonsense and…"

"Daisy," Coulson cut off her pointless chatter with his director tone and looked into her eyes, now seriously concerned. "What did May tell you?"

The girl took a deep breath, gathering her courage. She couldn't hide it from him anymore. She had to get it out of herself or it would slowly drive her crazy. "She told me she once tried to kill herself."

She didn't know what was more painful, the deathly silence that surrounded them, or the expression on Coulson's face and the pain in his eyes. He looked at Melinda again and it seemed that only the last bits of his willpower were holding him back from approaching her and making sure she was breathing. Daisy's heart cracked a little at the sight.

"Oh." It was the only thing he managed to say after the younger agent's words sunk into his mind.

"You knew, didn’t you?"

"Who do you think saved her back then?"

Daisy inhaled sharply and her eyes widened. "You… You were there?" Coulson sighed deeply and closed his eyes as he remembered one of the scariest moments of his life.

"I almost didn’t make it on time. The doctors said that if I found her two minutes later, she would be a lost cause."

"What happened?" Daisy whispered. Her brain was working at full speed, trying to digest the information she had just heard and combine it with an image of the stoic, unbreakable agent that was playing out in Daisy’s mind every time she thought about May. She was like a diamond, beautiful and strong, with sharp edges protecting her from others.

"She mixed huge doses of painkillers with sleeping pills and took them all. She locked herself in the bathroom, Andrew and I had to force the door down. I broke three of her ribs trying to get her pulse back."

The girl put her hand to her mouth and looked at Melinda. Now it was her who wanted to run up to her and make sure her heart was still beating. "But… Why? Why would she do such a thing?" she asked, but before Coulson could speak, the answer came by itself, hitting her with tremendous force. "Oh, God." She looked back at Coulson. "Bahrain. It happened after Bahrain, didn’t it?"

The man didn't answer, which was an answer itself. His eyes seemed to dim. "She couldn’t let the girl go, so she thought that the only way to do that was to let go of herself. And she almost did."

Daisy knew what had happened in Bahrain from Jiaying, but now it became clear to her that she really knew nothing. She didn't know about the destruction that this one day made in her life, this one unfortunate mission, this one decision that shouldn’t be hers to make, or how it affected not only her but also the people who stayed by her side at this difficult time, who were trying to help, not wanting to give up on her. She couldn't even imagine what it felt like to watch your best friend break down and then try to take their own life away in a desperate gesture of despair, because it's just too much, and their too weak to carry the weight.

Daisy felt stupid and guilty for every time she called May "the cavalry," for every time she thought of her as cold, heartless, or not caring. For that one time she told her in anger that she knew about Bahrain and made her think she though she was dangerous, using her greatest weakness against her. She hadn't realized how much she had hurt her.

Melinda May was a machine. Designed, flawless, deadly and just perfect.

Daisy never thought that a machine could become a target of its own.

"Since then, have you ever been scared that… that it’ll happen again?" she asked, unable to meet the man's eyes now. She heard his sigh.

"I’m scared every day. But she promised me she wouldn’t do this again. And I believe her. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t bring her to the team, back to the field work. As long as I’ll be around, I’m going to make sure she keeps her promise."

Daisy swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat. "Good," she said. Neither of them spoke for a while. Everything that had to be said between them, was already said. There was no way to turn back time to prevent what had happened. And all they could do was to be there for May, even if she thought she didn't want or need it.

She was protecting them all the time. Protecting her was their way of repaying and showing her how important she was to them.

Coulson cleared his throat, breaking the heavy silence and snapping both of them out of their thoughts. He straightened up, gathering himself and smiled softly at the girl. "Get some rest, please," he said. She smiled back gently.

"I will, but now… I’d like to sit by May’s side for a while, if you don’t mind."

"I’m sure she’ll appreciate that." He squeezed her arm lightly, then turned to leave.

"Coulson?" Daisy called after him. He stopped and turned toward her, with question in his eyes. "Thank you."

He raised his eyebrow up. "For what?"

"For telling me about it all. And for not giving up on her. She hasn’t given up on you, either."

He stood there for a few seconds, stunned, then nodded and smiled again. He didn't answer, though Daisy could tell from the look on his face that he understood what she meant. He walked away towards his office.

She closed the door quietly and, carefully so as not to wake May, sat down on the edge of her bed. She watched her calm face for a few moments, and her chest rising and falling with each breath she took. After everything she heard today, she needed a visual confirmation. The proof that May was here and not going anywhere.

She knew that although the woman probably wouldn't remember their conversation or the secret she had revealed, her relationship with her would never be the same again. That she will be thinking about it on every mission that will go wrong. That she will subconsciously look for and expect alarming changes in her behavior. And that she will have to learn to live with it.

She made a mental note in her mind to talk to her S.O. about it when the time is right, and to make her repeat her promise, this time to her. She needed to hear it to be able to sleep well at nights.

By the time May woke up, Daisy was gone.

**Author's Note:**

> pls forgive me for the angst :)


End file.
